At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
