mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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