i jhust puked up my retainher.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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