I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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