I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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