just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
