I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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