Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
