They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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