dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
