I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I fill condoms, not promises.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
