yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
White coat. Heels.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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