Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
