onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
