I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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