Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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