I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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