i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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