I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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