Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
