I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
