A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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