u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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