When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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