just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Your cock deserves a montage
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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