My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
