I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
