there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
