erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
