they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
