I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
