and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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