Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the raccoons are back...
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