so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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