i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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