It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
