It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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