I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
