Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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