Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
