Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
