he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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