i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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