somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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