maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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