he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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