I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
