Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
