Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize