Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
