I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
