my mouth tastes like poor choices
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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