apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
