Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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