I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
