I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
