I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
