u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize