Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
