dude i'm inner monologue high
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
